Friday morning I was awoken by a text with a message from my mother saying “Josh is on way to get Dad… off to hospital.” I was a little startled by the message and gave myself a minute or two to wake fully before frantically calling my mother. Expecting the worst, I was relieved to know my father’s truck had broken down and my mother was getting a ride to her work: at the hospital.
Had I not called my mother to confirm her bewildering text message I would have made the journey to the emergency room expecting the worst. Sometimes text messages and digital communications shouldn’t be used; I think this is one of those times. My mother is one of those people who would benefit from a class in text messaging. Mom, if you’re reading this, I love you.
Every weekend I’m with my daughters I have the benefit of watching them communicate with their friends. Rarely do they talk on the phone; instead, their thumbs zig-zag across the phones’ keyboards intimating personal data. This weekend I imagined the receivers of those texts are somehow interpreting the messages and retorting with equally personal information all based on shorthand.
I have to admit I’m pretty bad at picking up nuances of face-to-face communications, never mind text based messages. As a salesman I developed a knack for wading through the minutia of everyday chat and think I’m pretty good at cutting to the core of a situation. Personally though, I’m horrible at understanding body language and what people really think of me. It would be great if while I’m talking with someone my phone would light up with a clue about what they’re really thinking.
Over the years I’ve noticed some people are exceptional at not only reading and interpreting messages from friends, but also from strangers. A week or two ago my brother’s girlfriend, who knows me quite well, picked up my phone and sifted through my message history. “Here,” she said, “she likes you because she typed ‘LOL’ six times.” She went on to tell me one of my friends seems like a jerk simply based on punctuation. I simply don’t understand.
One of my dear female friends texts me whenever she needs guy advice or a shoulder to cry on. Usually the messages involve her failed relationships and other personal drama happening in her life. Typically I have to dedicate an evening to reading the heartbreaking and ongoing saga of her life. She and I have been friends for decades and I know she can talk; in fact, quite fluently. She knows I can’t stand texting so she perpetuates my agony.
On the other hand, one of my guy friends is pretty glib and when he decides to call I need to listen attentively. Again, I’ve been friends with this guy for years and fully appreciate how he can talk in circles. Throughout the years my non-mutual friends have commented how this guy seems really sincere. Shoot him a text message and the truth comes out. Once he has to truncate a twenty minute conversation to several words the reader can see the real guy’s not so smooth.
I hadn’t planned on letting the cat out of the bag too early so I want to keep my idea hush hush for now. Once I work around child labor laws I’m going to hire teen aged girls to work in a mall kiosk to teach text messaging skills as well as read and interpret text messages. Primary marketing campaigns will be to text illiterates like my mother (I still love you Mom). Secondary strategies will be centered around ignoramuses like myself who need help deducing what’s really between the lines. I think it could work.
(Jeromy Patriquin is the President of Laptop & Computer Repair, Inc. located at 509 Main St. in Gardner. You can call him directly at (978) 919-8059) or visit www.LocalComputerWiz.com.